‘Tis the Season for Forced Affection

Give Grandma a hug.

Give your Uncle a hug.

Give my Great Aunt that you’ve never met, a hug.

Every year when the holidays bring families together, children are directed to show affection to family, extended family, and neighbours.

Any child *could* say no. I mean, theoretically. But when ‘no’ is not presented as an option… when ‘no’ creates an awkward encounter, when ‘no’ is the last thing anyone would expect that child to say… can we really call it a choice?

Participants of our 3-hour child sexual abuse prevention training spend time discussing boundaries.

During this discussion, the holiday scenario where a child is expected to give an adult a hug is often brought up as an example.

The training teaches participants an incredibly useful boundary-setting strategy that goes like this,

1.       Name the behaviour

2.       Set a limit

3.       Move on

Let’s imagine that I am at a family gathering for a holiday meal and I have my 8-year-old child with me. A grandparent brings out gifts for the grandchildren and everyone receives a nice package. At this point, something familiar and common happens.

Somebody in the family, maybe a parent, an aunt or an uncle, tells my child to give their grandparent a hug.

You know, a ‘show your appreciation’ kind of direction.

It happens all the time.

It happens at ‘hello’. It happens at ‘good-bye’. It happens with gift-giving. It is absolutely common.

“Go give so-and-so a hug!”

When we implement our 3-step boundary-setting strategy, we have a tool to help us intercept this common behaviour. We have a guideline that helps us establish and protect our children’s boundaries.

Because we know that if children are raised with the belief that they ‘owe’ somebody physical affection, then we have embedded a belief that puts them at risk of being sexually abused.

If children believe that they should show physical affection even if they don’t want to, we are teaching children to ignore their own instincts and impulses. How will these children learn to set their own boundaries later in life? Spoiler, it will be a lot more difficult and way less effective.

Imagine how much easier it will be to teach teenagers and young adults to value consent when consent was modeled throughout their development?

We know that 34% of children are sexually abused, and 50% of these children will experience more sexual violence as adults (1).

Events and occurrences that seem harmless, such as ‘give your so-and-so a hug’, create a foundation that puts children at risk.

As adults who care about protecting children from sexual abuse, it is up to us to disrupt this pattern.

It’s not easy. I won’t pretend that it is.

During our prevention training, participants are given an opportunity to practice putting this 3-step boundary setting strategy to work.

1.       Name the behaviour

Participants often struggle with Step 1. It is natural to want to protect a child from potentially unwanted physical contact without making anyone uncomfortable. In fact, our desire to avoid an awkward, uncomfortable interaction often causes participants to come up with creative ways to avoid this scenario, rather than deal with it directly.

Usually these creative solutions will do the job of protecting the child from being forced to give a hug without actually naming the unwanted behaviour.

It is hard to imagine a conversation where you tell a family member that they are doing something you don’t want them to do.

It’s easier to protect a child from a forced hug by distracting or deflecting.

And honestly, if that’s what your limit is during this holiday season, I say go for it. We have to start somewhere.

But to really make a long-term difference, we have to let people know what behaviours are not okay.

1.       Name the behaviour

“You are forcing/telling a child to give physical affection”

That’s it. That’s the behaviour.

Or maybe it’s,

“You are pressuring a/my child to give a hug”

If the idea of naming the behaviour feels cringy or awkward… imagine how it would feel to be a child that wants to say, ‘I don’t want to give you a hug’.

If we as adults struggle to name the behaviour, imagine how much a child would struggle to set their own boundary.

Don’t worry! We’re not going to name the behaviour and then sit in awkward discomfort. We are going to move on to step 2.

2.       Set a limit

Now that the adults know what behaviour you are addressing, let them know what you want them to do instead.

“I let my child take the lead on deciding if they want to show affection. If they want to give a hug, they’ll let you know.”

Or

“I don’t want my child to feel pressured to give out hugs. It’s up to them to show appreciation the way that feels right to them”.

This is an important part of the process. Using distraction or deflections as a strategy will usually protect that child in that one situation, which is great. But using this boundary setting strategy will help inform your community and your child about a different way of interacting with each other. A way of interacting that builds respect and consent into the growth and development of our children.

And finally, don’t forget the best step of all. Step 3.

3.       Move on

You did the hard job of naming the behaviour. You set a limit so that people know what you expect. Now go ahead and carry on with your family event.

“That was such a nice gift! Did you make it yourself?”

“It is so thoughtful of you to have us over. The place looks great and it’s been wonderful to be together. Thank you”

Boundaries are hard for everyone.

Writing out or practicing a scenario in theory is easier than putting it to use. But the more time  you spend preparing to set boundaries, the better you will become. It takes practice.

And something that makes it even easier to accomplish is when other people are making an effort to identify and respect your boundaries.

Feel free to forward this post along to family and friends that will be gathering together during the holiday season. If we can all get on the same page about respecting children’s rights, and not pressuring children to provide physical affection…it will be even easier to set and protect boundaries this season.

It’s not too late to register for our free 45-minute mini-course, Talking with Children About Safety from Sexual Abuse  live on Zoom on Thursday, January 9 2025 at 6:45 pm (Atlantic).

Protecting children from sexual abuse gets easier and easier with practice and support. Stay connected and join us in January to learn more about talking with children.

From all of us at Priority Kids, we wish you a safe and happy holiday season!