It’s Like Smoking in Front of Kids…And We’re All Doing It

Using our smart phones and other devices in front of kids is like smoking in front of children.

We’re all going to have to quit.

People used to believe that smoking in front of kids wasn’t a problem. They believed that there would be no health consequences and it wouldn’t have a negative impact on behaviour.

Just watch a show or movie from the 80’s or before (probably the early 90’s as well)… people are smoking on-screen regularly.

In the face of social acceptance for smoking, health advocates fought hard to put an end to this habit. Rules were created that reduced children’s exposure to secondhand smoke. No smoking in restaurants, malls, banks, schools, public transit or private vehicles.

Even watching someone smoke has been shown to have an impact on children and their own risk to become a smoker (1). 

People came to realize that children watch and follow what adults in their spheres are doing. When a caregiver smokes, the child is 4 times more likely to become a smoker (2). 

While this may seem obvious to some of us today, collectively, we have not turned the corner on applying this awareness when it comes to smart phone and device usage in front of our children.

A recent opinion piece that appeared in The Chronicle Herald demonstrates that author Paul W. Bennett has done his research and is helping to raise awareness of the health risks of social media and device use. It’s worth a read if you need to be convinced that children’s use of smartphones and social media is a health problem.

Bennett also makes the link between addiction to devices and addiction to cigarettes and smoking.

But you will notice that not one sentence of Bennett’s opinion is devoted to the need for adults to stop devicing in front of children.

A lot of solutions, ideas, and ways of dealing with the ‘kids on cell phones’ problem get floated around… age restrictions, classroom restrictions, and supervision all have their place.

But if adults continue to spend time staring at their devices in front of children, it will be an uphill battle. 

Whether you have young children, older children, or no children, using your devices in public where children are present contributes to the problem.

I never got into allowing our children to use devices when we are out in public.  When our kids were younger and we went out for a meal, we made sure they brought a book to read or an activity to do while we waited for their meals to be served. Same with waiting rooms. Books and activities, yes. Devices, no. 

*side note, this is the easiest way to get affirming praise from strangers. OMG people LOVE to see kids holding books. I can’t tell you how many times strangers have come up to me and praised my parenting. If you are looking for some positive feedback, give this a try!

One day, we were at a restaurant waiting for our food to arrive and at another table there was a couple with a baby (about 12 months old) sitting in a high chair.

The couple sat across from each other, and the baby was between them.

The couple each stared down at their phones while the baby playfully moved its arms and legs and looked around the restaurant.

‘MOM’ my 8-year-old leaned into me with stern seriousness.

‘MOM. They should be looking at their BABY. Not their phones.’

And we watched that baby get almost no eye contact from the parents for the rest of the time that we were all there.

I see it more and more often. 

Recently, I was in a waiting room with my now 15-year-old. She casually nodded her head over to a parent sitting nearby. 

‘I feel sorry for that kid’ she said to me, with far less shock and admonition than her 8-year-old self. ‘That parent is just scrolling while the kid (6 or 7) just sits there’.

We saw the parent and child again in the parking lot and we watched the parent stare at their phone while the two of them walked to their vehicle and the child opened their door and got themselves into their seat. The parent didn’t take their eyes off the phone until it was time to drive away.

I’ve seen it at kids’ sports events where parents sit in the stands staring at their phone, oblivious to their child’s effort and accomplishment in the game.

I see it at family gatherings where half the people (adults) have a phone in hand and are oblivious the real life conversation going on around them.

Today’s society is increasingly concerned with the amount of time children spend on a device and the quality of their interactions on their devices.

But who really holds the power on the problem of children’s device usage? 

Adults do.

We’re the ones with the more fully formed decision-making, risk-adverse brains. 

We’re the ones who can choose to buy or choose not to buy devices for children.

We’re the ones who set the rules. We’re the ones who provide internet access.

We’re the ones who have caused a generation of kids to be impacted by early smart phone use and social media influence.

If you’ve been in a waiting room in the past few years (probably longer), I’m sure you’ve seen that the vast majority of people are choosing to fill the void of waitingness by scrolling, emailing, texting, or otherwise engaging with their device.

let’s imagine that there is one kid in that waiting room. And that kid looks around from person to person…

Minimal eye contact. If any.

Total distraction.

Isolation.

This is the world we’re raising children in.

I get it. It’s not easy to stand in a line up, or sit waiting for something to be done, and NOT send a text message or do a quick scroll. It takes willpower and the belief that choosing to leave your device in a purse or pocket, or in your vehicle, or at home, makes a positive difference.

I’m not suggesting this will be easy. I’m saying it is necessary.

While this blog post was in progress, I had an appointment where I found myself in a waiting room with only two other people. One had their back to me, and the other was on their device. So I pulled out my phone and sent a text. And looked at an article. Then I heard the door open and I looked up and saw a child standing next to a parent.

I did what I had to do, given that I was in the midst of arguing against devicing in front of children.

I put my phone in my purse. And left it there.

When looking at behaviours that protect children from problem social media usage, studies show that one of the most significant factors that reduces risk is a positive (affectionate and responsive) relationship with the child (3).

A protective relationship is more effective than restrictive rules governing device usage.

Which brings us to the very strong connection between our collective addiction to devicing and our need to protect children from sexual abuse.

When we promote child sexual abuse prevention strategies, it is common to find adults pointing towards someone else. 

‘I’m not the one who can make a difference, it’s parents that need to do this work’

‘Teachers are the one’s who have the most impact, they should be doing this’

‘Sports coaches are the one’s who should be trained’

It’s incredibly common for us to be redirected to ‘someone else’.

We’d all like it to be someone else’s responsibility.

BUT

It’s not someone else who needs to protect children from sexual abuse. I have the power to make a difference, and so do you.

It’s not someone else who needs to reclaim the ‘smarthphone generation’. I have the power to make a difference, and so do you.

Step 3 of Darkness to Light’s 5 Steps to Protecting Children™ is Talk About It.
In our prevention training, we learn that open conversations and healthy relationships with adults are critical components of keeping kids safe from sexual abuse.

Every child needs to have multiple adults in their lives that they can turn to if something makes them uncomfortable whether it is online, or in real life. 

Now more than ever, we need to be intentional about providing children with our attention and our focus. We can not continue to show them that we would prefer to be watching, reading, or scrolling on a device rather than paying attention to what is happening in front of us.

Because while we adults are avoiding boredom by staring at a device, children are being sexually abused. Not a few children. Not some children. An outrageous amount of children.

34% of children are sexually abused by age 18.

Not a parent? Not a problem. Those of us who have older children or adult children, or no children should have the easiest time putting our devices away in public, and modeling our presence and awareness. It wasn’t that long ago that my three children were toddlers. I know how much time and attention they demand, and while it would be nice to never device in front of toddlers, parental survival is important. 

Those of us who enjoy time with our own thoughts and are not engulfed in the intensive role of parenting young children should take the lead and put our devices away in front of children, especially in public.

Even if their caregivers can’t, don’t or won’t. 

When we adults become engaged in reducing device use in front of children, we are helping to fast track the effort to ‘reclaim the smartphone generation’ AND we are taking a huge step to protect children from sexual abuse.

By being present and aware of what is happening in in real life, we will revolutionize childhood for generations to come.

Are you willing to put your device away in front of children?

Let us know how this works for you. What can we do collectively, and as individuals, to protect children from seeing adults devicing?

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If the content of this article causes you distress or discomfort,
please seek support.

Where to Get Help in Nova Scotia
Call 211
Kids Help Phone Call 1-800-668-6868