Boundaries Last for Life
A decade ago I used a boundary setting technique and today I watched that moment pay itself forward.
We are often reminded and encouraged that good work, while often unnoticed or unrecognized, lives on in the fabric of society.
I am guilty of being frustrated by slow results.
When I am feeling frustrated or defeated, my team of supporters remind me that my efforts are creating an impact, even when I am not delivering our training.
Today I got to witness the results of a small action I took many years ago.
Today, I got to experience the proof that setting a boundary and leaning into a difficult conversation has left a lasting impact that will help protect many children.
Years ago my child came to me for permission to attend a large sleepover with classmates. Having heard far too many stories of children being sexually abused while at a sleepover, I was instantly uncomfortable with the request.
Saying no would have been the easiest thing to do. And truthfully, it would have been my preference. But you know, kids, friends, fun… so instead of saying ‘no’, I went to the home that was hosting the sleepover and had a heart to heart with the parents.
I introduced myself and dragged all of us through an uncomfortable discussion about keeping kids safe during a sleepover. They didn’t know me before this encounter, and I didn’t leave until I felt that I had made it clear that I was expecting my child to remain safe while in their care.
In the morning I returned to the home and the atmosphere was loud and boisterous. Everyone was having a great time.
And then I overheard someone say something about a marker. My ears perked right up… and then I got the story.
Some kids who had stayed up later than the others had taken the opportunity to draw on the kids who had fallen asleep.
I listened to the kids and I listened to the parents.
The kids who were drawn on said that they didn’t mind.
The parents chuckled and said nothing of substance.
It took me a few moments to follow the instructions that I have learned and facilitated through our training so many times.
Name the boundary
Set a limit
Move on
I said to my child,
Name it: I don’t want kids to draw on other kids while they are sleeping.
Set a Limit: When someone is asleep, they are vulnerable and need to be protected. Nobody should do anything to anyone who is asleep.
Move on: Let’s go home.
I could hear from the kids who had been drawn on that they didn’t want to make a big deal about it. And I know from experience working with violence that this is a normal reaction.
The safest response is to laugh it off and act like it is no big deal. It’s what all the kids did. It’s what the host parents did.
But I didn’t want my child to believe that this behaviour is acceptable. So I named the boundary, explained it to her, and we moved on.
It did come up again a few times over the years. I’ve had other occasions to express my opinion that sleeping people need to be protected. My kids understand that my boundaries are different than what society tolerates.
But it was just today, when I picked up my teen from a camping trip, that I was able to see the broader impact of setting that boundary.
My child described the overnight camping trip with enthusiasm. A wonderful time spent in the woods. Fun, adventure and leadership.
The powerful moment came as I heard the story told of one teen asking the others for a marker. The group asked what the marker was for.
You guessed it. For drawing on the kids who fall asleep first.
My child told me that they were able to repeat the boundary that I had set so many years earlier. All ten of those teens heard my child say,
“nobody is going to write on anybody who is asleep. If someone is sleeping, they can’t consent.”
And the other teens agreed. That made sense. Nobody was drawn on. And those words, that boundary, live on with 10 more people.
Those of us who have taken the training and have learned how to protect children from sexual abuse can be frustrated to discover that there is a lot of resistance to prevention training.
But we can also feel encouraged to know that the smallest application of our learning can make a huge impact for our children and our community for generations to come.
Hoping that our efforts will bring positive results is essential.
Seeing our efforts bring positive results is a bonus.
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