Hiding Behind Confidentiality
WARNING: This article contains an excessive use of 'quotations' with a variety of 'meanings'. It also discusses child sexual abuse in a direct and straightforward manner.
I learned an awful lot about human beings when I took my experience with child sexual abuse to ‘official channels’.
By the time I ‘went public’, I had spent years working through confusion, repressed memories, and recovered memories. But an unexpected encounter with ‘my perpetrator’ was like a wake-up call. I suddenly and shockingly realized that all the confusion and self-blame I had experienced was a natural response to being attacked.
Suddenly it was crystal clear. Someone did something to me that should not have happened.
I wasn’t the problem.
And I thought that this truth (that I wasn’t responsible) was already obvious to everyone else. I realized that the trauma had blind-sided my ability to reason. It took me years to understand what had happened, and how it impacted me.
But once I ‘shook it off’ I thought it seemed pretty simple.
Someone did something to me that is illegal. Something that we ‘say’ we don’t want people to do.
I learned through my encounters with medical professionals, police officers, administrators, and organizational leaders, that MANY people are still blind-sided by this type of trauma and are not able to reason effectively.
The effort that goes into avoiding the topic of child sexual abuse is illogical, and yet avoidance is the status quo.
And it is sneaky.
Not very many people are actively aware of their avoidance. Not many people recognize that their beliefs and assumptions are protecting the status quo and allowing child sexual abuse to persist.
One of the ways that I witnessed people avoid taking action was under the guise of confidentiality.
Confidentiality.
It sounds nice, doesn’t it? Sounds like something that survivors and victims would appreciate, right? I can talk to professionals, and they will keep it CONFIDENTIAL.
They won’t tell ANYONE.
I was promised confidentiality in almost every call I made when I brought my experiences of child sexual abuse to ‘official channels’.
The first time I was assured confidentiality I was a little surprised.
After all, I was trying to bring a complaint forward so that something would be done. I had already kept it a secret for over a decade. I was now trying to bring my story to light. So, while confidentiality sounds like a nice, trauma-informed, safe thing to offer, it was really the opposite of what I wanted.
And people just couldn’t stop themselves.
No matter who I called, what source of help I reached out to, confidentiality was the first and favourite offer.
And I certainly respect that many people DO want confidentiality.
But I didn’t think I could be clearer at the time, that confidentiality was not what I was seeking.
I wanted people to know what happened, so that we could learn from our mistakes and make changes so that it would not happen again.
I was WAY ahead of the curve on my readiness.
And the more I was offered confidentiality, the more I realized how very uncomfortable everyone else is with my experience (or more accurately, their own unaddressed experiences).
I learned that people expected me to feel ashamed. People expected me to blame myself. People expected me to want to keep it a secret.
And that is not my style.
So, last week when I had a meeting scheduled with our local high school administrators, I was a little ‘triggered’ when they refused (again) to address concerning behaviour that I witnessed at their school between a staff member and female students.
It is a concerning series of events that I was a direct witness to that occurred in 2018.
At that time, I reported my concerns to their principal.
When no action was taken, I reported my concerns to the Centre for Education.
When no action was taken, I reported my concerns to the RCMP.
Finally, the school took action. They cancelled the girls sport season.
And through all of those actions that I took… the ONLY response I have ever received (and only because I email them quarterly) is that whatever internal human resource response that has allegedly occurred is, CONFIDENTIAL.
I can’t know about it.
The other parents can’t know about it.
The student athletes can’t know about it.
And now the school has new principals, and last week when I brought this unresolved issue to a parent meeting, I was informed that the new administration CAN’T know about it either.
Well. How’s that going to help anyone? How are we going to repair the damage and make the changes that need to be made if no one is allowed to know about what happened?
I know that confidentiality is often wanted. I respect those who seek support and do not want their stories publicized and discussed inappropriately.
But when we identify a system that puts children at risk, we cannot hide behind confidentiality.
I NEVER consented to confidentiality. This is my experience. I witnessed children in an unsafe situation, and I am not going to allow it to continue because someone has decided that it is confidential.
I witnessed concerning behaviour and I will not be silenced or ignored (well, they are doing a pretty good job of ignoring) because of internal HR policies.
How often have people used confidentiality as an excuse to avoid dealing with child sexual abuse?
Can we just call that the ‘oldest trick in the book’?
Priests. Boy Scout Leaders. Coaches. Teachers. Residential Schools.
The almighty CONFIDENTIALITY promise can be an excuse to keep the truth hidden. An excuse that allows us to avoid responding to child sexual abuse.
And honestly, I can understand why people would want to avoid the topic. Most people truly don’t know anything about how to protect children from sexual abuse.
And I have seen how difficult it is to engage with a challenging topic when it feels like there are no solutions and no clear steps to take.
We all avoid challenges that are out of our abilities and expertise.
And that’s why Priority Kids teaches adults how to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child sexual abuse. Utilizing Darkness to Light’s award winning Stewards of Children® training, we are dedicated to educating and empowering adults to keep kids safe.
Because the solutions do exist. The steps have been discovered and are presented in an engaging and accessible way.
Adults who take the training consistently report that they are more willing and able to take action to protect children BECAUSE of the training.
Look at what I have done in this high school setting. Because I am trained, I was able to spot red flag behaviours. Because I am trained, I was persistent even when my concerns were minimized. Because I am trained, I know that the school MUST address the team mates and parents so that a situation like this can not happen again.
Being trained has helped me to take action. But that doesn't make it easy. What DOES make it easy is when other people are trained. You know, it takes a village? It's a nice thing to say, but even nicer to experience.
None of us should have to work alone to keep kids safe. None of us should be 'the only one' who takes action.
If you would like to become a confident advocate, or if you are an advocate and you would like to join our effort to keep kids safe from sexual abuse, please subscribe to our email newsletter.
We are creating the village that we need to keep kids safe.
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If the content of this article causes you distress or discomfort, please seek support.
Where to get help in Nova Scotia
Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868
Angela Johnston is CEO and Lead trainer at Priority Kids, a training and advocacy company on a mission to eradicate childhood sexual abuse. Angela coordinated a 2-year provincial project to implement a sexual violence strategy among 20 community organizations. In 2015 she was appointed to the Provincial Public Awareness Committee which produced an award winning awareness campaign. Angela has received recognition from the Province of Nova Scotia for her entrepreneurial leadership and innovation for helping to build a better future for the province
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